Attack on Alcohol: Annie's Titanic Hangover
by xXDEEECKSXx
Summary: When a certain TV therapist tries a little too hard to understand the basics of physics, the brutality of genetics gets the better of Levi.
1. Chapter 1: A Day for Change

5/23/16

Chapter 1: A Day for Change

Armin took a sip out of his Pina colada and smacked his lips. "Ah, another great day for Titan killing." He shoved the lever forward and his Hot Wheels™ monster truck began its slow forward motion. Titans were laying out in the crop field in front of his monster truck, tied like 1920s maidens with bandanas on their mouths about to get run over by a train. They squirmed in protest. Armin put his sunglasses on, his feet up on the dashboard, held his Pina colada, and turned on the mini TV on the dashboard. "Welcome back everyone, now, today, we have a special guest on our show." "Aww yea, It's Dr. Phil!" Armin leaned forward, causing the tractor lever to move farther up. "Now, everyone, ladies especially, this is someone you've all heard stories about, and here he is, the legend in the flesh. It's Captain Levi Ackerman everybody!" Everyone cheered and applauded as Levi begrudgingly sat in a chair next to Dr. Phil. Armin excitedly screamed like a schoolgirl, "Oh wow, Captain Levi's the special guest?! He told us he was out on a special mission! I'm so jealous!" The monster truck started mowing down Titans and spewing blood all over the windshield. "So, Captain Levi, how are you doing today?" Dr. Phil asked. Levi said nothing with his default rat face and stared at "Dr. Phil" who was actually a colossal titan in a suit with the mustache and everything. "Now, Levi, we heard from an anonymous guest, that you've been acting a little...racist against titans." Dr. Phil crossed his legs. Levi said nothing and maintained his rat face. "This anonymous guest has chosen to appear on the show." Dr. Phil motioned for Eren to walk on the stage. "We ask that you act like a mature adul-" "YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" Levi immediately emotioned out his wazoo and took out his Titan Slashers™. The TV static and died. "Aww man, come on! We were just at the best part!" Armin pounded on the mini TV. He was interrupted by a voice. "Armin you chicken shit, you can't plow a field with a monster truck." Annie patronized next to the monster truck. Armin looked at the carnage and laughed. "Haha, guess I misheard plow for monster truck!" Annie angrily crossed her arms and angsted with her horse face. Armin jumped down from his bloody monster truck and stopped next to Annie. "Hey, my chores are done for the day!" He beamed. "Woohoo, nobody cares." Annie rolled her eyes. "Say, the Captain isn't here right now...and he never lets us have any fun...it's time to change it up a bit...Let's get trashed!" Armin wheedled. "Ugh, you just want me to buy you beer you underaged vermin." Annie bashed in Armin's face with her leg. He dropped to the ground, spilling his Pina Colada. Annie noted the bubbles spilling out and her half baked eyes widened. "ARMIN! Were you drinking a Pina colada...WITH ALCOHOL?!" Annie raged in her titan voice. "C'mon Annie, it's not like that!" Armin pleaded like scum, picking himself up from the ground. "Hmph. I should report CAPTAIN LEVI to child services!" Annie horse cocked, taking out her smartphone about to take a photo for evidence. "Aw come on Annie, don't be like this! I just want to have a good time...maybe at a club?!" Armin begged on his knees. "Hmm...I do like it when people beg for mercy...but It's like 2pm. What the hell kind of club is open at 2pm?" Annie annoyedly asked. "Oh, you'd be surprised! Come with me!" Armin grabbed her arm before she could Titan it up and dragged her across Wall Rose.


	2. Chapter 2: What could possibly be open a

Chapter 2: What could possibly be open at 2pm?

"Oh fuck, what do I do! What kind of club is open at 2pm? More importantly, are there ANY CLUBS AT ALL?!" Armin angsted in worry in his head. He led Annie down various alleyways, and eventually she caught on. "Armin... you don't know where you are going do you." Annie said this calmly with her eyes closed because she is above preps. But when no response came, she opened them to see Armin was wickedly talking with potato girl Sasha. "Alright, so I know you are the rebellious type, so I was wondering If you knew of any clubs?" Armin whispered at Sasha while pretending to mouth different words. Sasha became truffled at such an arrogant display. "PEOPLE OF WALL ROSE." Sasha pulled out a microphone. "As of THIS MOMENT, we shall STAPLE NON-BELIEVERS ONTO OUR WALLS!" Sasha ripped off her uniform to reveal gothic steampunk exhibitionist clothing. Sasha pulled a guitar out of her bra before removing it, and then began rocking out like never before. "YAAAAAAAAH. AEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEAE. HAIL THE TITAN OF THE DARKNESS. FOREVER IS MY PAIN IN THE DEEPEST DISPAIRRRE." Sasha began using throat warbling and scraping to create ear-piercing death metal vocals. The wallcultists saw this and gawked at her. "Filthy whore. Kill yourself." Finally many people yelling for her to kill herself led to their voices overpowering the stage. Sasha stopped, smiled, and pulled out a stapler. She used her 3D maneuver gear and flew over to Armin and Annie. "Armin. You did this to me. So as punishment, you will be the first to be stapled." Sasha tried to grab Armin's arm but Annie grabbed Sasha's. "What are you?-" Armin half spoke when Annie TURNED INTO A TITAN! She grabbed Sasha and took off over the wall and into the forest. Finally, she slam dunked her against a random tree. "LET GO OF ME YOU BIG POSER!" Sasha pounded with her baby fists. Annie put her down. She reverted to human form. "Your song... It moved me so much." Annie started crying. "Oh my god I have a fetish for tears!" Sasha grew a boner and she forced Annie's clothes off. Sasha pushed Annie against a tree and only the trees know what happened. Meanwhile Armin grew bored and wanted to find where coolkid Levi was.


	3. Chapter 3: Scientist in Paradise

Chapter 3: Scientist in Paradise

Armin went around the corner and searched for Levi. He knew Doctor Phil's staff would've kicked him off the show by now, so he was probably skulking around playgrounds like the emo he was. Sure enough, Levi was on a swing set ratly emoing his life as children angrily yelled at him. "GET OFF THE SWING YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" A small child around 5 kicked Levi in the shin. "Ugh." He said nothing and took out a smoke. A soccer looking man approached Levi. "Hey, kids like you aren't supposed to use cigareets." She swatted the Camel Humpers right out of his hand. "CI..CIGAREEEETS?!" Levi roared and stood up, but then his withdrawal got the better of him and he mellowed out and resumed his rat face sitting down as the soccer mom lectured him. Armin ran up to him. "Hey Captain! I saw you on Dr. Phil!" Armin squee'd. Levi couldn't handle two packets of estrogen talking to him at the same time so he slumped face first and began suffocating himself in the sand. Suddenly Annie appeared behind Armin. Annie still had bits and pieces of Sasha's guitar bra on her bod. She quickly wiped it off. "What's Levi doing?" She asked. "Slacking off..." Armin turned around, shadow covering his face animely... "You know what that means... KICK THE BAAAAAAABYYYYY!" ARMIN SCREEEEECHED and suddenly a whole horde of titans came and kicked the shit out of Levi. "AHHHH OK OK!" Levi protested, but it was really too late for him. Scientist Hanji came to his rescue...but not really she just chucked herself in the pile. "YES! HURT ME MORE!" She howled as titans clubbed her and Levi like baby seals. Then the titans got bored they left. Levi's face looked like Theodre Washingtin. Hanji offered a tall hand to CrippleLevi. "Ugh...I don't need your help you useless woman!" Levi emotioned at Hanji while swatting it away. "Heh, so you want to play tough do ya, Levi." Hanji flipped her glasses Quincily in a 360 fashion as she pointed her manly finger at Levi, "I will not be bested BY A PHILOSOPHY MAJOR!" She roared while revealing Levi's past. Levi's dick shrimpled up at that statement. Lightning went everywhere LIKE KORRA! Eren appeared and howled titan worthy chuckles with Sonny and Bean, Hanji's titan fuckbuddies. OH NO HIS SECRAT HAD BEEN REVEALED. He cooly shoved his hand in Annie's pocket and stole her wallet. "You won't be needing this in the next 24 hours." Levi ratatouilled while walking to the nearest Subwey.


	4. Chapter 4: Prison

Chapter 4: Prison

But before Levi could get away, Eren pulled out a twist tie and twisted Levi so hard like nobodies circus! "Hohohoho!" Eren laughed in his Titan voice. "You won't be going to Subwey anytime soon! It's off to prison for you!" Levi was chucked into Eren's mouth while Eren was still in human form, but Eren mid transformed so it was okay and Levi got scooped up. Eren ran all the way to the military police capital! Hanji crooked her head backwards without moving her body at Annie. "Say, would you mind joining me... for an experiment? :3" Hanji texted Annie because she was incapable of making the :3 face in real life, being a scientist and all. Annie lifted up her phone... And then put it away. Hanji was in disbelief! She had IGNORED her text! Hanji quickly gossiped to Sonny and Bean, through text of course. "Omg, that ttt ignored my text!" Hanji waited for a response. Sonny lifted up its Nexus 8 and typed "ttt?" But Bean group replied and said "tiny tits titan." After that both of the titans put their phones down and ignored the other texts Hanji was spewing. Annie Sonny and Bean went to the park, the movies, a drive through bazarre, and finally went clubbing. All the while Hanji was in the background of all those places gossiping her angst to two non-responsive individuals. During this period, Eren had finally reached the capital, turned in Levi, and the trial was almost complete. "We find you guilty of wasting your time money and societies time by pursuing a philosophy degree!" The jury gave their final testament. The judge hammered his plate in front of him. "I'd reduce your sentence, but I'm far too busy being delicious." The chocolate flavored only black person in Attack on Titan was chained up and hung across the wall for the next Titan attack. "Take him away!" A rat looking MP ordered. Levi looked straight into his eyes "are you my daddy?" The scene changed and bars were slammed in Levi's face. "Damn." Levi sighed and reached into his orange jumpsuit to pull out a cig, except none were there. A man coughed in the shadows. "Heh. Small world." Levi focused his eyes to make out who it was. But he stepped out from the shadow to reveal. "C-captain Ervin?!" Levi basedly gasped. "That's right son. But I never expected you to be here." Ervin chilled on the wall. Levi took a deep breath and let the dead baby out into the room. "Why are you in here?!" Levi yelled animely. Ervin chuckled. "Remember Attack on Titan Episode 25? I was charged with High Treason by that MP guy! I was supposed to be executed, but they forgot all about it after a little R&R with the head honcho." Ervin winked, while his lazy eye rolled and secreted juices that pointed to his penis.


	5. Chapter 5: A New Act Entirely

Chapter 5: A New Act Entirely

Mikasa was thirsty. She looked over at sleeping Eren and took a whiff of that ass. "Ahhhh...i'm gonna eat the booty like they groceries tonight." She snuggled Eren like a body pillow. "Mmm..." Annie felt something hugging her. She opened her eyes to see A NAKED MIKASA HUGGING HER! "AHHHH!" Annie screamed and looked around. Sonny was naked in the fridge and Bean was fully clothed and passed out on a piano on a truck that was smashed into the building they were in. Sasha was hugging NekkidMikasa and eating her hair like Lady and the Tramp at the same time. "What...what happened?" Annie looked in a mirror, she didn't look like her prickly dignified self. Her hair was planted like artichokes. "Ugh..." She drunkly took a look outside of the disease filled tavern they were in. She saw a giant crowd a little over to the right. She looked like -_- but her face was interrupted as someone tossed a leftover tuna can at her head and she immediately threw up. "ATTTEEEENNTTIIIOONN!" Annie recognized the voice, the meat grilling Groose grinding Bald Eagle American voice of Commander Shadis. Annie wiped her blood stained titan eyes and moved through the crowd. To her disbelief, the eyeliner wearing son of a bitch was in full circus ringmaster attire. He had a tophat, cane, and everything. "Here ye here ye, come one and all to Barnum B Bastic's Behemoth Circus Extravaganza! This night and this night only, will be THE last show to feature captive titans, as PETA has already voiced their concerns with our treatment of our fodder." He SCREAMED in his Navy Seal voice. The townsfolk chatted amongst themselves. Annie really wanted to go to the circus ever since she was little, but her dad always told her no because he was a wall worshipping Mormon. Her flashback ended. Man was her dad a fucking idiot! She sped to the counter and purchased a ticket and deluxe Barnum B Boom Boom Popcorn. She anxiously waited in the crowd. Finally, Commander Shadis appeared with a hula hoop and whip. "Alright folks, the moment you've been waiting for! UNLEASH THE BEASTS!" He screamed and a door with smoke revealed four hideous titans. "Ooooo hiss!" The crowd chucked the popcorn at them. Annie didn't pay $7.99 for fucking popcorn to chuck it so she ate it. Commander Shadis whipped the air and the titans began circling and formed a human centipede. The crowd booed more. Commander Shadis whipped the air again and they began flying through the trapeze. The crowd continued to boo. He whipped the air yet a third time and they started writing American Folklore while going through the ring of fire. The audience didn't let up. Commander Shadis fumed with anger and whipped a child in the audience. Something snapped. "MAAAAUUUM HE BROKE MY 3DS!" It screeched. "YOU-" before the mom could ask to speak to his manager, Military Police poison blowdarted them both to avoid a lawsuit. The crowd went silent. "Ah... Ahem... Now ladies and gentlemen, I would like to invite you to feast your eyes upon the cage!" Commander Shadis yelled, pointing at a giant cage that the spotlight hit. Annie gasped in disbelief, mostly because the Barnum B Boom Boom Popcorn was giving her the shits, but leastly because Captain Levi and Commander Ervin were in the cage! Levi was holding onto the bars with his rat face, and Ervin looked somewhat less dignified in his Orange is the New Black jumpsuit. "Listen people of Wall Rose...THIS MAN HAS COMMITTED TREASON AGAINST HUMANITY!" Commander Shadis commandered. The people gasped in audience worthy quantities. "THIS MAN...LEVI ACKERMAN...HAS WASTED YOUR HARD EARNED TAX BENEFITS FOR A PHILOSOPHY DEGREE!" He roared as the crowd raged. Levi didn't deny it. He stared blankly into space as he usually did. Ervin pulled out his Beats and a violin and began playing German funeral jams. Commander Shadis put a hand to his ear, "THE MILITARY POLICE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO HOLD THESE BOYS IN A JAIL CELL FOR US...FOR TONIGHT...WHAT WILL YOU HAVE AUDIENCE?!" "FEED THE BEASTS FEED THE BEASTS FEED THE BEASTS!" The crowd cheered. Annie was excited to be included in a group so she joined in on the fun. Suddenly Jean appeared next to her. "Ey Annie, didn't think you liked circuses...being a titan and all." He smickered. Annie regained her AbuvPreps composure and said "WH-" but Jean stopped her. "Here, have a Snickers{R}." He snotted while shoveling a King Sized Titan Snickers in her mouth.


	6. Chapter 6: In The RnD

Chapter 6: In The RnD

Annie pulled out a gun and shot Levi in the head. Blood and a bit of brain spilled out onto Annie's face in the recoil. A few chunks traveled with the bullet and grazed by Shadis, slapping him with the debris. "Please die and stay die." Annie warbled and collapsed. She woke up in a shack surrounded by booze. "Ah. Hello. You were passed out. That Jean fellow drugged you with portable alcohol." An elderly homeless rat lady with rat whiskers explained, pouring Annie some tea. "What happened then? What happened to Levi and the others?" Annie gasped trying to understand the situation. "Hohoho. Calm down, only you can find the answers to that." The grannie stirred the cup she had poured. "Drink this, and you will have a revelation." The grannie handed Annie the cup. Now, Annie was the skippable type; one who doesn't like to play meager in the deager. So she pretended to drink it while it poured down her bra in an obvious way. "Holy shit." Annie gasped coming out of the vision. "What did you realize?" The grannie eagerly leaned in. "YOU ARE LEVI's MOTHER!" Annie grabbed the nearest chair, the one the grannie was sitting on, pulled it swiftly from under her; flipped it around and smashed it on her head. The chair split in two on impact. "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED! You shouldn't have supported a PHILOSOPHY MAJOR!" Annie pulled out her deluxe fork and knife and started eating the grannie, starting at the neck. Then the alcohol wore off and she remembered what really happened! She hadn't shot Levi, she shot Jean! And the show went on!


	7. Chapter 7: Mystery Part 8

Chapter 7: Mystery Part 8

Annie had blown a hole in Jean's face for shoving that king sized Snickers(R) in her mouth. SHE HATED SNICKERS(R)! Fortunately the crowd was so loud that nobody noticed. That Barnum B Bastic's Attack on Alcohol was strong and giving her hallucinations. She tried to recompose herself. Commander Ringleader Shadis was leading his Titans to eat Captain Levi. Commander Shadis howled with laughter. "Levi...you are such a COOL KID! I've always hated you...at the academy...ALL YOU EVER DID WAS ACT COOL WHILE I WAS A CHRISTIAN! I couldn't smoke the ro-" Commander Shadis went into a monologue. The cage had been opened by a miracle. Levi was still hanging on to the bar cage with his rat face. Commander Ervin stopped playing his violin and put a hand on Levi's shoulder. "Son, you know the cage is open, right?" He asked. "I'm aware." Levi sighed. "Then why not go?" Ervin resumed. "Is there a point? Shadis hates me. My mom is cancer. My team is full of posers...and my quest to find...daddy..." Levi paused for a moment to remini- BAM. "UGH!" Levi was hit square in the face by EREEEENNN. "Levi." Eren's voice was shaking from anger. "?" Levi questioned why he had been slapped. "YOU...PROMISSHHED TO PROTEECT MEEY HOMEELANDDD." Eren jibbered between clenched teeth, clenched hands, and clenched ass from what Mikasa had been trying to do to him earlier. "Get out of he-" Levi stopped dead in his tracks. His eyes widened in fear as he stared at someone behind Eren. Behind Commander Shadis. Behind the titans. Behind the crowd...at the very entrance...Levi saw IT. He shuddered and got goosebumps on his goosebumps. He peed himself. This was the end. He knew it. Eren turned around too. He also shit his pants like a toddler. The crowd all gasped and turned, including Annie. They also paused. Annie was confused, was she the only one who didn't know who the fuck was standing there? The being was tall, slender...and mysterious. It started walking toward Levi. Levi fell on his ass and started backing up slowly into the wall. Eren was too terrified to move. The being possessed such an aura..."this...THIS ISN'T LIKE ANY TITAN I'VE SEEN BEFORE." Eren SCREAMED out loud. "This...isn't...a..." Levi cried tears streaming down his face. "TITANS EAT IT!" Commander Shadis commanded. "NO DON'T!" Levi tried, but it was too late. The being had subdued the titans in one fowl swoop of its limb. "Not...not again..." Levi curled up into a ball remembering the horrors this being had committed...against his father!" The being got up to Levi. Levi looked though tear stained eyes up at his father's murderer... "H.G. Hedgewig." Levi mustered out spitting up blood. H.G. Hedgewig's tall trenchcoat blew in the wind. H.G. Hedgewig's bird head came out of the trench coat collar and stared at Levi. And at the moment, Levi remembered. His father hadn't gone to buy beer and never return...H.G. Hedgewig HAD EATEN HIS FATHER! His father was a normal human, except he had A RAT HEAD. Levi had gone for a stroll with his mother and father and they had gone to feed the birds. Unfortunately, H.G. Hedgewig was one of those birds. H.G. Hedgewig saw Levi's dad and DEVOURED HIM ON SITE. Levi remembered it so vividly...until H.G. Hedgewig FLASHBANGED Levi and escaped out the circus. "Levi!" Annie came down to him. "Annie. I'm glad." Levi smiled. "You're glad what?" Annie asked. "I'm glad I'm not history major." Levi smiled, then left the circus. Annie stood there awkwardly. "What about my hangover? And my wallet? And Sasha? And Sonny and Bean..?" She asked Ervin. Commander Shadis took Commander Ervin in handcuffs. "Don't think this is over you tall sack of shit." Then potato girl Sasha blasted in and warbled Ded Titans Melody as Ervin was executed for Season 1.1 end credits.


End file.
